Right now I am listening to B'z. Its a usual thing. They are a Japanese group, AWESOME. I know most wont get the lyrics (that's what google is for...), but they do sound great. The tempo, the sound of his voice, the guitar. They are the first Asian group to get a spot on Hollywood Rock Walk. Tak Matsumoto, B'z guitarist, is a signature artist for Gibson and has several limited editions made in his honour.
Anyway...
Music is healing or can be. For me it is a way to drown out emotions. Not mine...others. Well, it also helps so that my emotions don't overwhelm others also at times. So I am seldom without music if I know I am going into a crowded place. I'm usually the only one who is wearing headphones in a bar or nightclub. Go figure. The only time I go somewhere without my tunes is if I know I am with someone safe. Someone who can act as a buffer so I am not overwhelmed at times. Or if I am in a place where my music is totally not appropriate.
I went to my mother's memorial and there were so many people. Music totally not appropriate. One of my friends doesn't quite understand what its like for me. But she was my buffer that day. Try as I did, it was overwhelming and while I was trying to keep a straight face and not cry, not let the emotions overwhelm me, she took the run off. I think she was fine for about the first 5 minutes or so.
My music ranges from really soft stuff to Classical to Pop to JPop, Grunge to heavy metal type stuff. I think it depends on the situation I am in that chooses the type of music that helps me.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
What's in a name?
So now Cody, my oldest, is saying he likes the name Hageshii for Rhett. Rhett means enthusiastic, fervour. That is what Hageshii means also along with fiery. However, the Kanji can mean violent so we have to be careful how it is written. Since Cody is the one who gave Rhett his name when he was born, I suppose it would be his right to also give him his Japanese name.
Somewhere in Japan is my mother's brother. After looking for him for a number of years, we still haven't been able to find him. I will continue to look tho. I wonder about him, wonder if I have cousins, wonder if he ever thought about my mother after she left Japan.
His name is Kazuo Araki. Their mother's name was Tome and their father's name was Yashio.
Cody wants to take on the last name of Araki legally. I do not have a problem with this as I would like to hyphenate my last name to include it also.
Somewhere in Japan is my mother's brother. After looking for him for a number of years, we still haven't been able to find him. I will continue to look tho. I wonder about him, wonder if I have cousins, wonder if he ever thought about my mother after she left Japan.
His name is Kazuo Araki. Their mother's name was Tome and their father's name was Yashio.
Cody wants to take on the last name of Araki legally. I do not have a problem with this as I would like to hyphenate my last name to include it also.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Stones
I love stones, crystals, minerals, etc. Each one has different properties and qualities. Crystals are extremely fascinating to me. I love to figure out how many sides each one has. I used to collect geodes with amethyst inside. I even had a garnet crystal at one time. I still have an uncut blue topaz shard that I have had for a very long time. Probably about 25 years now. The other stone I am most fond of is one my father got for me. It's an Apache Tear. I've had that one for about 30 years. I've collected my own over the years and made them mine, but the first is special.
I make necklaces and bracelets with different stones. I usually end up giving them as gifts. I am pretty good at matching people with stones.
Everything has a vibration. We have a vibration, the stones have their own vibration, the food we eat has a vibration. Our vibrations mingle with the vibrations of other things and they either help or hinder. A negative reaction is just a vibration that interferes with our vibration. If we can adjust our frequency to that of the objects, then we are in harmony with it.
Different stones can adjust to our vibrations to help heal, they absorb energy, and can help deflect negative energy from powerlines, computers, digital clocks near beds and people. They can also be used to make an environment rich in negative ions.
My favourite stones to use are amethyst, hemetite, lapis and malachite. When I can get a supply, amber. I love the various colours that it comes in and they have a deep rich resonance.
I make necklaces and bracelets with different stones. I usually end up giving them as gifts. I am pretty good at matching people with stones.
Everything has a vibration. We have a vibration, the stones have their own vibration, the food we eat has a vibration. Our vibrations mingle with the vibrations of other things and they either help or hinder. A negative reaction is just a vibration that interferes with our vibration. If we can adjust our frequency to that of the objects, then we are in harmony with it.
Different stones can adjust to our vibrations to help heal, they absorb energy, and can help deflect negative energy from powerlines, computers, digital clocks near beds and people. They can also be used to make an environment rich in negative ions.
My favourite stones to use are amethyst, hemetite, lapis and malachite. When I can get a supply, amber. I love the various colours that it comes in and they have a deep rich resonance.
What are we up to today...
Or should I say, "What we should be up to today..."
I was researching Japanese names.
My mom was supposed to give Rhett a name in Japanese. We had kind of settled on Yugure, which means Darkness or the time between light and dark, twilight. Dusty thinks Tatsumaki is a better one because it means Tornado and that is exactly what Rhett is. Our family name is Araki. Dusty's name is Senshi which means Warrior. Cody's is Shin'ichi which means Faithful first son or One truth.
I'm supposed to be looking for a job, but its depressing. I'm supposed to be cleaning the house, but there is only so much time that I can spend doing that. It seems that I am constantly cleaning.
Dusty is supposed to be taking his CAT-9 test. But he's been playing with his little brother. They've been having fun so I am not worried about the test. Although I kind of listed our beginning school year as January 1st and I have to take in our NOI 2 weeks before then...hmmm. I have seemed to pass the due date. Oh well.
Rhett, of course has the run of the house. We don't do any real type of schooling with any of the boys, but him especially unless he asks for it. Although he's been wanting to learn how to knit and sew. He has been spending his day flittering here and there. Playing with magnets and my sewing pins. He discovered that a magnet will pick them all up. He and Dusty have been making little figures with a roll of magnets and pretending they are different things. He has also been playing with a flashlight.
O.k. So now Dusty is doing his test and grumbling. He's not liking it this year. Last time he thought it was great. Next time we will probably have the assessment done instead.
I cleaned the kitchen and am going to update my resume for preschool teacher instead of massage therapy.
And Rhett is happily watching the Backyardigans on a dvd we got from the library.
Our day is not over yet. We shall see what mischief we can conjure up by the days end.
I was researching Japanese names.
My mom was supposed to give Rhett a name in Japanese. We had kind of settled on Yugure, which means Darkness or the time between light and dark, twilight. Dusty thinks Tatsumaki is a better one because it means Tornado and that is exactly what Rhett is. Our family name is Araki. Dusty's name is Senshi which means Warrior. Cody's is Shin'ichi which means Faithful first son or One truth.
I'm supposed to be looking for a job, but its depressing. I'm supposed to be cleaning the house, but there is only so much time that I can spend doing that. It seems that I am constantly cleaning.
Dusty is supposed to be taking his CAT-9 test. But he's been playing with his little brother. They've been having fun so I am not worried about the test. Although I kind of listed our beginning school year as January 1st and I have to take in our NOI 2 weeks before then...hmmm. I have seemed to pass the due date. Oh well.
Rhett, of course has the run of the house. We don't do any real type of schooling with any of the boys, but him especially unless he asks for it. Although he's been wanting to learn how to knit and sew. He has been spending his day flittering here and there. Playing with magnets and my sewing pins. He discovered that a magnet will pick them all up. He and Dusty have been making little figures with a roll of magnets and pretending they are different things. He has also been playing with a flashlight.
O.k. So now Dusty is doing his test and grumbling. He's not liking it this year. Last time he thought it was great. Next time we will probably have the assessment done instead.
I cleaned the kitchen and am going to update my resume for preschool teacher instead of massage therapy.
And Rhett is happily watching the Backyardigans on a dvd we got from the library.
Our day is not over yet. We shall see what mischief we can conjure up by the days end.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Just Breathe
I figured out that I've been walking around holding my breath. Things kept going wrong and it seems that I was holding my breath waiting for the next thing to happen. I was getting tired, health problems were starting to flare and I kept wondering why. Then I noticed that I wasn't really breathing.
Breathing right enables the body to get enough oxygen, massages internal organs and stimulates organ function. It also helps with the central nervous system, stress, removes waste from the blood. It also makes our lungs strong. If our lungs are weak, it gives way to disease. It also can really mess up the back and shoulder muscles.
So what I had to start doing is just breathe.
Breathing right enables the body to get enough oxygen, massages internal organs and stimulates organ function. It also helps with the central nervous system, stress, removes waste from the blood. It also makes our lungs strong. If our lungs are weak, it gives way to disease. It also can really mess up the back and shoulder muscles.
So what I had to start doing is just breathe.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Me
I picked up writing again. I figured it was about time. My main goal is to write small articles to sell. But I also had a story idea a couple of years ago that I wrote down buy never got to finish.
Writing is a great way to creatively get rid of frustrations, anger, sadness, etc. I loved writing stories since I was old enough to hold a pencil. It was my way of relating to a world I didn't quite fit into. A way of releasing frustration of being a child that was not quite understood. I loved it. It was the same way with books. It was a way of escape for me. I had friends in books.
Sad isn't it?
Then I had an English teacher in high school that loved my writings. He actually took the time to read them and made comments on what I wrote. Someone who saw a lonely person with talent. He encouraged me immensely.
Every spare moment I had I would write. I still have most of them too. Stories that I started then gave up. My problem is is if I see the ending of the story, I get bored with it. I know the ending, why finish it? I have to break out to that habit.
The one that I am writing now...I have no clue of the ending. Actually I don't know what direction I want to go with it. I'm still in the early stages. But I will not figure out the ending til I am there. Maybe I will be able to finish it this time.
Writing is a great way to creatively get rid of frustrations, anger, sadness, etc. I loved writing stories since I was old enough to hold a pencil. It was my way of relating to a world I didn't quite fit into. A way of releasing frustration of being a child that was not quite understood. I loved it. It was the same way with books. It was a way of escape for me. I had friends in books.
Sad isn't it?
Then I had an English teacher in high school that loved my writings. He actually took the time to read them and made comments on what I wrote. Someone who saw a lonely person with talent. He encouraged me immensely.
Every spare moment I had I would write. I still have most of them too. Stories that I started then gave up. My problem is is if I see the ending of the story, I get bored with it. I know the ending, why finish it? I have to break out to that habit.
The one that I am writing now...I have no clue of the ending. Actually I don't know what direction I want to go with it. I'm still in the early stages. But I will not figure out the ending til I am there. Maybe I will be able to finish it this time.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
My Boys
I never fully introduced my boys. As with all parents, I can say my boys are wonderful.
My oldest is now 19 years old. He's charming, sarcastic, has dry wit and humour. He can be morbid with the best of them...including me. He's been my sparring partner for years. But now he is afraid he will hurt me so we don't do as much as we used to.
He loves learning about Japanese history, loves to write stories, loves music. He has two bass guitars and a drum set. He has taught himself how to play by trial and error, watching, listening and practice. He collects swords and knives.
Over all he is a wonderful young man who is respectful of others, lets things roll off when someone tries to offend him.
My 11 year old is outgoing, fun and sensitive. He loves helping people and goes out of his way to do so. He also loves taking things apart to find out how they work. He has the entreprenuer spirit and tries to find ways to make money on his own for the things he wants. He loves mysteries. He can spend hours playing a computer games with a whodunit theme. He also loves simulators. He reads a variety of books, his favourite for a while as by Erin Hunter. Now he just kind of reads whatever he finds interesting. He also loves his legos. He spends some time building and coming up with new things.
My youngest at 3, getting ready to turn 4, is...well at the moment, moody. He misses the warmer months where he could run outside catching bugs. He misses the grasshoppers and ants. He misses chasing butterflies. I tell him to chase snowflakes. He loves it when it does snow. He loves building things with blocks. He loves playing with the hammer and screwdriver. He tries to "fix" our steps leading to the deck all the time, even putting new nails in it so it doesn't wobble.
He loves being read to and his favourite book is Inai Inai BA which is Peek a Boo in Japanese. Its a cute board book that he knows by heart. His other favourites are the Berenstain Bears, The Bear Snores On and the other books that belong in that series. He loves playing video games and is amazing at them. He speaks in both Japanese and English.
He loves trying new things and practically shows no fear. That can be scary sometimes especially when he is jumping off something particularly high, yelling "mommy catch me!" before I really ahve a chance to turn around.
So those are my boys. Happy, loving, moody, special and growing up too fast.
My oldest is now 19 years old. He's charming, sarcastic, has dry wit and humour. He can be morbid with the best of them...including me. He's been my sparring partner for years. But now he is afraid he will hurt me so we don't do as much as we used to.
He loves learning about Japanese history, loves to write stories, loves music. He has two bass guitars and a drum set. He has taught himself how to play by trial and error, watching, listening and practice. He collects swords and knives.
Over all he is a wonderful young man who is respectful of others, lets things roll off when someone tries to offend him.
My 11 year old is outgoing, fun and sensitive. He loves helping people and goes out of his way to do so. He also loves taking things apart to find out how they work. He has the entreprenuer spirit and tries to find ways to make money on his own for the things he wants. He loves mysteries. He can spend hours playing a computer games with a whodunit theme. He also loves simulators. He reads a variety of books, his favourite for a while as by Erin Hunter. Now he just kind of reads whatever he finds interesting. He also loves his legos. He spends some time building and coming up with new things.
My youngest at 3, getting ready to turn 4, is...well at the moment, moody. He misses the warmer months where he could run outside catching bugs. He misses the grasshoppers and ants. He misses chasing butterflies. I tell him to chase snowflakes. He loves it when it does snow. He loves building things with blocks. He loves playing with the hammer and screwdriver. He tries to "fix" our steps leading to the deck all the time, even putting new nails in it so it doesn't wobble.
He loves being read to and his favourite book is Inai Inai BA which is Peek a Boo in Japanese. Its a cute board book that he knows by heart. His other favourites are the Berenstain Bears, The Bear Snores On and the other books that belong in that series. He loves playing video games and is amazing at them. He speaks in both Japanese and English.
He loves trying new things and practically shows no fear. That can be scary sometimes especially when he is jumping off something particularly high, yelling "mommy catch me!" before I really ahve a chance to turn around.
So those are my boys. Happy, loving, moody, special and growing up too fast.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Winter
I love watching the snowflakes dance as they filter their way down to land on the ground. I love to watch the way the wind blows them around in swirls. I love to watch my boys try to catch them on their tongues as they play all bundled up in the yard. I love to fix hot cocoa with marshmallows and whipped cream.
I love to make wreaths for the birds and squirrels to munch on when food is scarce. I love having the shortest day of the year and the longest night.
Winter is a time of rest and rejuvenation. The Earth sleeps and rests getting ready to be reborn in the spring. Next to Autumn, it is my favourite time of year. I love the cold crisp morning...mostly because I love to stay snuggled under my blankets. I love the cleanness of the snow.
Where I am at, I hear grumble during the hot summer months that they can't wait for winter so it will cool off. Then when winter comes, they complain that it is too cold and can't wait for summer. I think that like all seasons, winter should be embraced and savoured.
With the change of time and technology, it is easy to bypass listening to our bodies and the Earth. We stay busy from dawn til the time we go to bed which I am sure for most is not when the sun goes down. So we get tired, our immune system falters and winter becomes flu season. We push ourselves when we should be resting, we try to eat the same all year round, we do not let our bodies rest and rejuvenate as we should. I keep thinking it would be great if we could hibernate.
Tomorrow it is supposed to be a nice 51+ degrees. Sunday it is supposed to drop to 18 degrees and snow. I will be curled up on the couch with a good book for most of the day. I picked up Kay Hooper's Blood Sins at the library yesterday. That and the FBI Handbook of Crime Scene Forensics it should be some happy reading.
I love to make wreaths for the birds and squirrels to munch on when food is scarce. I love having the shortest day of the year and the longest night.
Winter is a time of rest and rejuvenation. The Earth sleeps and rests getting ready to be reborn in the spring. Next to Autumn, it is my favourite time of year. I love the cold crisp morning...mostly because I love to stay snuggled under my blankets. I love the cleanness of the snow.
Where I am at, I hear grumble during the hot summer months that they can't wait for winter so it will cool off. Then when winter comes, they complain that it is too cold and can't wait for summer. I think that like all seasons, winter should be embraced and savoured.
With the change of time and technology, it is easy to bypass listening to our bodies and the Earth. We stay busy from dawn til the time we go to bed which I am sure for most is not when the sun goes down. So we get tired, our immune system falters and winter becomes flu season. We push ourselves when we should be resting, we try to eat the same all year round, we do not let our bodies rest and rejuvenate as we should. I keep thinking it would be great if we could hibernate.
Tomorrow it is supposed to be a nice 51+ degrees. Sunday it is supposed to drop to 18 degrees and snow. I will be curled up on the couch with a good book for most of the day. I picked up Kay Hooper's Blood Sins at the library yesterday. That and the FBI Handbook of Crime Scene Forensics it should be some happy reading.
December...
Its hard to believe that it is the middle of December already. This year has flown by and I haven't done all the things I wanted to. But hey, that is OK. Little setbacks. Next year is another year and another chance.
On next years agenda...
take the boys fishing more than once
hiking in the Rocky Mountain National Park
cave exploring
visiting some historical sites here in Colorado and maybe some surrounding states
camping
go for my NCBTMB (national cert for bodyworkers)
get my cert in Eastern Holistic Medicine
I would put down write a best selling novel, but its a little far fetched. Think I'll just put down: finish a book and hope it sells.
I always envisioned myself in a cozy cottage somewhere in the country surrounded by my children and pets writing away. I'm a nature girl at heart. I would have flowers and herbs drying on the walls, beautiful flowers growing in window boxes, cooking over a fire in a large hearth fireplace.
The boys would spend most of their time playing outside in the yard. Hopefully there would be a stream for them to explore on the long summer days. I could envision them bringing me a tadpole or lizard as I quietly type or do research. Actually, it wouldn't be quiet...I love music too much for it to stay quiet for long.
Don't know if I can picture a significant other in the picture or not. I always thought I would be happily married, but I guess things weren't meant to work out. So I just envision me and my boys in this life. Maybe the time will come when I will be able to have that special someone.
I can see the boys and I cuddled up in front of the fireplace on cold winter days and nights reading books aloud, maybe making popcorn and listening to the wind and snow blow around the house.
Books play an important role in our home. Each one has their own genre that they like to read. I like thrillers/mysteries, Cody likes sci-fi/historical (especially Japanese)/and the macabre, Dusty likes lots of different fiction, but mostly mysteries. Rhett likes animal stories.
I like reading books on forensic protocol and procedures and forensic psychology I guess that goes along with reading the mystery/thrillers that I like so well. Especially the ones that deal with serial killers such as Catherine Coulter, Kay Hooper, Iris Johansen, Alex Kava...
I would love to be able to write a story as they do. One that makes you coming back for more, one where you can't wait for the next book to be published.
I got to meet Catherine Coulter a couple of years ago. Classy lady. I enjoyed speaking with her and would love to do it again.
Another authour I would love to meet would be Karen Marie Moning. I love her Highlander series and now the Fever series. Awesome books.
I will be there someday soon. I will be able to pick a book of of the best seller's table, point to it and say, "This one is mine!"
Maybe this upcoming year.
On next years agenda...
take the boys fishing more than once
hiking in the Rocky Mountain National Park
cave exploring
visiting some historical sites here in Colorado and maybe some surrounding states
camping
go for my NCBTMB (national cert for bodyworkers)
get my cert in Eastern Holistic Medicine
I would put down write a best selling novel, but its a little far fetched. Think I'll just put down: finish a book and hope it sells.
I always envisioned myself in a cozy cottage somewhere in the country surrounded by my children and pets writing away. I'm a nature girl at heart. I would have flowers and herbs drying on the walls, beautiful flowers growing in window boxes, cooking over a fire in a large hearth fireplace.
The boys would spend most of their time playing outside in the yard. Hopefully there would be a stream for them to explore on the long summer days. I could envision them bringing me a tadpole or lizard as I quietly type or do research. Actually, it wouldn't be quiet...I love music too much for it to stay quiet for long.
Don't know if I can picture a significant other in the picture or not. I always thought I would be happily married, but I guess things weren't meant to work out. So I just envision me and my boys in this life. Maybe the time will come when I will be able to have that special someone.
I can see the boys and I cuddled up in front of the fireplace on cold winter days and nights reading books aloud, maybe making popcorn and listening to the wind and snow blow around the house.
Books play an important role in our home. Each one has their own genre that they like to read. I like thrillers/mysteries, Cody likes sci-fi/historical (especially Japanese)/and the macabre, Dusty likes lots of different fiction, but mostly mysteries. Rhett likes animal stories.
I like reading books on forensic protocol and procedures and forensic psychology I guess that goes along with reading the mystery/thrillers that I like so well. Especially the ones that deal with serial killers such as Catherine Coulter, Kay Hooper, Iris Johansen, Alex Kava...
I would love to be able to write a story as they do. One that makes you coming back for more, one where you can't wait for the next book to be published.
I got to meet Catherine Coulter a couple of years ago. Classy lady. I enjoyed speaking with her and would love to do it again.
Another authour I would love to meet would be Karen Marie Moning. I love her Highlander series and now the Fever series. Awesome books.
I will be there someday soon. I will be able to pick a book of of the best seller's table, point to it and say, "This one is mine!"
Maybe this upcoming year.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Eating for the seasons
Time to put away the cold bearing salads made with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, etc. The cold drinks such as green teas and citrus juices. Time for the warmer root veggies and warmer drinks.
Its the change of the seasons and time to eat with that change.
Root vegetables such as parsnips, carrots, sweet potatoes, rutabagas, etc. and winter squashes like acorn, spaghetti, and butternut are rich in vitamins and minerals that we need during the cold, short days. These are also warming to the body unlike summer vegetables which are cooling. The last thing a person needs is to eat cooling foods on an already cold day, lowering their body temperature and their immune system.
Beverages, too, are either warming or cooling. Citrus juices such as orange juice and lemonades are cooling and are better left to that hot summer day. Green teas are also cooling in nature. It is better to move to the darker teas that are spiced with cinnamon, cloves, etc.
My favourite dishes are spiced winter squash. Its a mixture of butternut and acorn squash seasoned with cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg. Add a little bit of butter and some honey. Bake in the oven for about 45 minutes. Its even yummy for breakfast.
A root soup made with parsnips, rutabagas, carrots, onion, sweet potato, burdock and taro root. Can be made with veggie stock or meat stock. I like to add a bit of left over pot roast or chicken.
Spiced banana bread loaded with cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves. The recipe I have has stayed in my family for generations.
Cinnamon is not only good for leveling out blood/sugar levels, but it also removes cold/damp from the lungs that cause phlegm. Nutmeg and cloves are too an expectorant and have warming properties.
Its the change of the seasons and time to eat with that change.
Root vegetables such as parsnips, carrots, sweet potatoes, rutabagas, etc. and winter squashes like acorn, spaghetti, and butternut are rich in vitamins and minerals that we need during the cold, short days. These are also warming to the body unlike summer vegetables which are cooling. The last thing a person needs is to eat cooling foods on an already cold day, lowering their body temperature and their immune system.
Beverages, too, are either warming or cooling. Citrus juices such as orange juice and lemonades are cooling and are better left to that hot summer day. Green teas are also cooling in nature. It is better to move to the darker teas that are spiced with cinnamon, cloves, etc.
My favourite dishes are spiced winter squash. Its a mixture of butternut and acorn squash seasoned with cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg. Add a little bit of butter and some honey. Bake in the oven for about 45 minutes. Its even yummy for breakfast.
A root soup made with parsnips, rutabagas, carrots, onion, sweet potato, burdock and taro root. Can be made with veggie stock or meat stock. I like to add a bit of left over pot roast or chicken.
Spiced banana bread loaded with cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves. The recipe I have has stayed in my family for generations.
Cinnamon is not only good for leveling out blood/sugar levels, but it also removes cold/damp from the lungs that cause phlegm. Nutmeg and cloves are too an expectorant and have warming properties.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Homeschooling
I've been teaching my children at home since they were born. I know many think that you start homeschooling when they come of school age, but I think that I am the one who taught them to walk, vocabulary, etc. They were taught at home to do those things, I just took it to the next level when they became school age. My oldest was already reading when he started "kindergarten".
So its been 19 years since I started on this journey. I have done a public school homeschool program, a charter, literature based, unit based, eclectic and finally unschooling. Not radical unschooling mind you, that may be the next step but we aren't there yet.
Our days usually consist of the boys reading and being read to, helping around the house and exploring. Running around outside and figuring things out.
My littlest one loves taking things apart that has screws. Most of my cabinets now have screws missing on the handles. There are toys that have been taken apart. Anything with screws is not safe.
My 11 year old is an entreprenuer. He goes around the neighbourhood looking for anyone to pay him to rake their lawns. He's been doing pretty good. Now its shoveling walks, but the snow hasn't stayed around long enough for him to get out there.
My oldest is of course out looking for a job. He does spend quite a bit of time still writing. His first passion. He also reads a lot. He still plans on moving in a couple of months.
I get asked, "How do you know your child is going to learn anything if you don't make them learn?"
How does anyone learn anything? It isn't by force. When an adult sees a need to learn something, they go and learn it. Children are the same way. It also helps if there is a desire and an inquisitive mind. How do you foster an inquisitive mind? By allowing your child to explore and do things in a safe enviroment. If they want to take a screwdriver and unscrew the cabinets, let them. (Just make sure you gather up all the screws or you will end up with handles that fall off...)
If they want to bring bugs into the house to look at on the kitchen table, so be it. (Just make sure you gather up the bugs before they scurry across the floor to parts unknown.)
How will they learn to read???
For us it was just a matter of being read to so much that they decided that they wanted to try on their own. My oldest was reading at 3. The older was reading and giving public readings at the age of 8. My youngest is still working on it. I've never thought they wouldn't learn and it was never a matter of when. I always thought that they would learn when they were ready, in the meantime, I would just read to them and enjoy that time.
Math proficiency?
Cooking with your child is an excellent way to teach them math as well as cooking skills. Then when they get older you just build on it. My oldest wanted to take Trig and Calculus when he was 16. Not because I made him, he thought it was something that he should know out in the "real world" when he got older.
I am not saying that all children will flourish under this style. Some do well with structure, but is it their choice and learning style or is it the parents? It can be child led if it is the child wanting to do the work.
So its been 19 years since I started on this journey. I have done a public school homeschool program, a charter, literature based, unit based, eclectic and finally unschooling. Not radical unschooling mind you, that may be the next step but we aren't there yet.
Our days usually consist of the boys reading and being read to, helping around the house and exploring. Running around outside and figuring things out.
My littlest one loves taking things apart that has screws. Most of my cabinets now have screws missing on the handles. There are toys that have been taken apart. Anything with screws is not safe.
My 11 year old is an entreprenuer. He goes around the neighbourhood looking for anyone to pay him to rake their lawns. He's been doing pretty good. Now its shoveling walks, but the snow hasn't stayed around long enough for him to get out there.
My oldest is of course out looking for a job. He does spend quite a bit of time still writing. His first passion. He also reads a lot. He still plans on moving in a couple of months.
I get asked, "How do you know your child is going to learn anything if you don't make them learn?"
How does anyone learn anything? It isn't by force. When an adult sees a need to learn something, they go and learn it. Children are the same way. It also helps if there is a desire and an inquisitive mind. How do you foster an inquisitive mind? By allowing your child to explore and do things in a safe enviroment. If they want to take a screwdriver and unscrew the cabinets, let them. (Just make sure you gather up all the screws or you will end up with handles that fall off...)
If they want to bring bugs into the house to look at on the kitchen table, so be it. (Just make sure you gather up the bugs before they scurry across the floor to parts unknown.)
How will they learn to read???
For us it was just a matter of being read to so much that they decided that they wanted to try on their own. My oldest was reading at 3. The older was reading and giving public readings at the age of 8. My youngest is still working on it. I've never thought they wouldn't learn and it was never a matter of when. I always thought that they would learn when they were ready, in the meantime, I would just read to them and enjoy that time.
Math proficiency?
Cooking with your child is an excellent way to teach them math as well as cooking skills. Then when they get older you just build on it. My oldest wanted to take Trig and Calculus when he was 16. Not because I made him, he thought it was something that he should know out in the "real world" when he got older.
I am not saying that all children will flourish under this style. Some do well with structure, but is it their choice and learning style or is it the parents? It can be child led if it is the child wanting to do the work.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
As I sit here...
Its taking a lot to keep this blog going on a semi happy note. I can't say that I've been depressed because usually I'm doing really well. Its when I hit bottom before I realize it (and I seem to be doing that a lot lately) that it seems I am sitting in front of my computer.
I have discovered I am not strong like everyone says I am. If only they knew.
Then I hear that I am only human. If only they knew.
Everyone sees the part of me that deals well with things because I am good at putting that to the forefront for brief periods of time. If only they knew.
People think that I am mourning only the loss of my mother. If only they knew.
I go out and see happy families. Those with mothers, newborn babies, or pregnant women, those with loving husbands...It shouldn't hurt should it? If only they knew.
I have discovered I am not strong like everyone says I am. If only they knew.
Then I hear that I am only human. If only they knew.
Everyone sees the part of me that deals well with things because I am good at putting that to the forefront for brief periods of time. If only they knew.
People think that I am mourning only the loss of my mother. If only they knew.
I go out and see happy families. Those with mothers, newborn babies, or pregnant women, those with loving husbands...It shouldn't hurt should it? If only they knew.
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Little Things
I love that song These Are a Few of My Favourite Things.
For those that don't know it, here are the lyrics:
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bitesWhen the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
I think about the little things that I enjoy. The things that give me pleasure. My younest bringing me a grasshopper that he found in the backyard. The laughter it brings forth from his lips because it tickled him. Watching the pride in my 11 year olds face as he figures out how to do something. Listening to my oldest as he tells me about something funny he read or watched.
Watching the sun come up and feeling its warmth. Watching the dogs play in the backyard. Finding a good book I can really enjoy. Music that moves me.
Being with a good friend who's company I really enjoy and cherish. Especially going to lunch and enjoying a really wonderful chicken milanese flatbread pizza. YUM!!
I think about all the little things I will miss about my mom. Calling her up and asking her how to say something in Japanese. Going out to dinner. Watching her play at the park with my boys. Her little mannerisms, her hospitality.
I think of all the future things we will both miss out on. Her seeing Dusty graduate from high school. Cody getting married. Rhett growing up.
I will miss out on having a mom to turn to.
For those that don't know it, here are the lyrics:
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bitesWhen the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
I think about the little things that I enjoy. The things that give me pleasure. My younest bringing me a grasshopper that he found in the backyard. The laughter it brings forth from his lips because it tickled him. Watching the pride in my 11 year olds face as he figures out how to do something. Listening to my oldest as he tells me about something funny he read or watched.
Watching the sun come up and feeling its warmth. Watching the dogs play in the backyard. Finding a good book I can really enjoy. Music that moves me.
Being with a good friend who's company I really enjoy and cherish. Especially going to lunch and enjoying a really wonderful chicken milanese flatbread pizza. YUM!!
I think about all the little things I will miss about my mom. Calling her up and asking her how to say something in Japanese. Going out to dinner. Watching her play at the park with my boys. Her little mannerisms, her hospitality.
I think of all the future things we will both miss out on. Her seeing Dusty graduate from high school. Cody getting married. Rhett growing up.
I will miss out on having a mom to turn to.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Last Wish
Last Wish
Since all that I can ever do for thee
Is to do nothing, then my prayer must be
That thou mayst never guess nor see
The all-endured this nothing done cost me.
Edward, Earl of Lytton
Since all that I can ever do for thee
Is to do nothing, then my prayer must be
That thou mayst never guess nor see
The all-endured this nothing done cost me.
Edward, Earl of Lytton
Remember
REMEMBER
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning to stay.
Remember me when no more day to day
You tell me of our future that you planned;
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel or pray
Yet if you should forget me for awhile
And afterwards, remember, do not grieve
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestigo of the thoughts that once I had
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than you should remember and be sad.
Christina Georgina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning to stay.
Remember me when no more day to day
You tell me of our future that you planned;
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel or pray
Yet if you should forget me for awhile
And afterwards, remember, do not grieve
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestigo of the thoughts that once I had
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than you should remember and be sad.
Christina Georgina Rossetti
Would anyone care?
Would anyone care if I just disappeared? Wonder if anyone would miss me? Guess I'm not doing as well as I thought.
Today is November 19th.
Today is November 19th.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
End of November?
Are we coming to the end of November already? Hard to believe that this is the 18th already. Tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of my mother's death.
Things are getting better, sort of. Still go through bouts of wanting to cry uncontrollably, but haven't yet.
Schooling. Hmmmm. Learning is definately going on. Good thing it isn't structured. We would not get anything done.
Dusty (my 11 year old) is raking leaves in the neighbourhood to earn some cash. He is trying to figure out how to build a go-cart and wants to learn to weld. An 11 year old with a torch. Wonder if I dare.
My 19 year old (well almost 19, will be on the 26th) quit his job. My sanity has returned somewhat. My body is slowly realizing that I don't have to get up at 2 am and again at 6 am. He still spends most of his time playing the bass and writing. Wonder how long will I have to wait til I see something in print.
My 3 almost 4 year old (Rhett) is into everything as usual. He is sad that he doesn't get to play with grasshoppers anymore so I bought him little plastic ones. Not the same, I know. He too, with the help of his brother's, has discovered the fun of playing with airsoft pistols. They have a target in the backyard.
He is learning more Japanese and its fun to watch the baffled look on people's faces because they can only understand part of his sentences.
We are going to start on reading the Iliad and Odyssey.
Well, I am off to the store to buy a non low flow toilet thingy. Yes, I said thingy. Installed a low flow system thinking it would be better...but NOOOOOOOO! Its been a pain in the butt ever since. Oh, and can't forget the ferret food.
Jaa ne
Things are getting better, sort of. Still go through bouts of wanting to cry uncontrollably, but haven't yet.
Schooling. Hmmmm. Learning is definately going on. Good thing it isn't structured. We would not get anything done.
Dusty (my 11 year old) is raking leaves in the neighbourhood to earn some cash. He is trying to figure out how to build a go-cart and wants to learn to weld. An 11 year old with a torch. Wonder if I dare.
My 19 year old (well almost 19, will be on the 26th) quit his job. My sanity has returned somewhat. My body is slowly realizing that I don't have to get up at 2 am and again at 6 am. He still spends most of his time playing the bass and writing. Wonder how long will I have to wait til I see something in print.
My 3 almost 4 year old (Rhett) is into everything as usual. He is sad that he doesn't get to play with grasshoppers anymore so I bought him little plastic ones. Not the same, I know. He too, with the help of his brother's, has discovered the fun of playing with airsoft pistols. They have a target in the backyard.
He is learning more Japanese and its fun to watch the baffled look on people's faces because they can only understand part of his sentences.
We are going to start on reading the Iliad and Odyssey.
Well, I am off to the store to buy a non low flow toilet thingy. Yes, I said thingy. Installed a low flow system thinking it would be better...but NOOOOOOOO! Its been a pain in the butt ever since. Oh, and can't forget the ferret food.
Jaa ne
Friday, November 14, 2008
Life
Things are still a little bumpy. I think that I am fine, then I take a turn for the worse. Just part of life. I decided to take a break from getting my mom's things done. Everyone can wait.
If anyone is coming into to this late...go find the entry: Five Minutes.
Right now I am listening to The Calling's Wherever You Will Go.
Eating: Oatmeal loaded with butter.
Drinking: Orange Spice Tea
Getting ready to: Create more tables for work. Have to finish 22 frames.
Today: I am taking my boys out to lunch.
We had our first snow fall in the metro area. It started off slow and then picked up speed. I was out at 2:30 this morning on Pena Blvd which is the main highway to DIA and it was pretty windy and kicking the snow up. Then it just stopped. It was like it hit a wall partway to DIA. It was cool. Of course on the way back it wasn't really snowing at all. I got home at 3:30 and there were just a couple of big flakes. I wake up and boom...snow everywhere. Not really enough to last long and of course it's already melting.
Hopefully there will be a big snowstorm and I will be able to bring out the snowboards out locally instead of going up to the mountains. I'm cheap. We do need new boots though.
Well, its time to get started with work so I can get it done and over with.
Jaa ne
If anyone is coming into to this late...go find the entry: Five Minutes.
Right now I am listening to The Calling's Wherever You Will Go.
Eating: Oatmeal loaded with butter.
Drinking: Orange Spice Tea
Getting ready to: Create more tables for work. Have to finish 22 frames.
Today: I am taking my boys out to lunch.
We had our first snow fall in the metro area. It started off slow and then picked up speed. I was out at 2:30 this morning on Pena Blvd which is the main highway to DIA and it was pretty windy and kicking the snow up. Then it just stopped. It was like it hit a wall partway to DIA. It was cool. Of course on the way back it wasn't really snowing at all. I got home at 3:30 and there were just a couple of big flakes. I wake up and boom...snow everywhere. Not really enough to last long and of course it's already melting.
Hopefully there will be a big snowstorm and I will be able to bring out the snowboards out locally instead of going up to the mountains. I'm cheap. We do need new boots though.
Well, its time to get started with work so I can get it done and over with.
Jaa ne
Sunday, November 2, 2008
My Life
In an earlier post, I told a little about myself. Not much because really there isn't much to tell. It was just an overview with some little tidbit. So if you want to know what they were, you have to go back and read the posts.
Anyway.
Everyone is fascinated by the things I pick up. I love to learn new things so I want to experience as much as possible.
I always tell people my most favourite job was for a first call service. This service transports the deceased from one place to another such as a nursing home to a mortuary. I know, I'm morbid. But the care that these ones receive is amazing. They may be deceased, but they are still treated with respect. Although we, who drove the vans, do love to joke and play pranks.
I've been around bounty hunters (oops politically correct term...skip tracers), my father and grandfather were both in the business. I learned martial arts thru my father along with fire arms. The swords are strictly my own.
Oh, another favourite. The time I worked for a group of male strippers. I was their driver, took care of music, lighting, etc when they did group parties. When they did private parties, they were on their own. Learned a lot when I hit the gym with them. Almost made it to Ms Malibu and Ms Tropicana one year with their help. I did want to lose tho. Too much responsibility and time.
Modelling was fun...until it came time to work. Just kidding. An experience that I may or may not want to go through again.
Then there are the lesser jobs...Toys R Us, Shopper for a grocery store for a home delivery service. Oh and the house cleaning and nanny jobs.
Along with things I have done in my life...
Drum with a Native American group in college.
Danced in pow wows.
Sang for a bit...didn't make any money. Hey Sean D if you read this...I did get better from when you and Steve used to know me.
Learned how to play the violin, drums, piano. I am working on the Cello.
String theory still eludes me. I can get the concept...its just...it doesn't really make sense to me. I keep telling people, "I AM NOT A SCIENCE NERD!"
Of course now I do massage and herbs. Its still a challenge for me so I will stick with it for now. I am also learning AutoCAD. That too is a challenge.
Ok, so there is a bit more about me. Maybe next time I'll write about the scar I have on my side from when I got shot.
Anyway.
Everyone is fascinated by the things I pick up. I love to learn new things so I want to experience as much as possible.
I always tell people my most favourite job was for a first call service. This service transports the deceased from one place to another such as a nursing home to a mortuary. I know, I'm morbid. But the care that these ones receive is amazing. They may be deceased, but they are still treated with respect. Although we, who drove the vans, do love to joke and play pranks.
I've been around bounty hunters (oops politically correct term...skip tracers), my father and grandfather were both in the business. I learned martial arts thru my father along with fire arms. The swords are strictly my own.
Oh, another favourite. The time I worked for a group of male strippers. I was their driver, took care of music, lighting, etc when they did group parties. When they did private parties, they were on their own. Learned a lot when I hit the gym with them. Almost made it to Ms Malibu and Ms Tropicana one year with their help. I did want to lose tho. Too much responsibility and time.
Modelling was fun...until it came time to work. Just kidding. An experience that I may or may not want to go through again.
Then there are the lesser jobs...Toys R Us, Shopper for a grocery store for a home delivery service. Oh and the house cleaning and nanny jobs.
Along with things I have done in my life...
Drum with a Native American group in college.
Danced in pow wows.
Sang for a bit...didn't make any money. Hey Sean D if you read this...I did get better from when you and Steve used to know me.
Learned how to play the violin, drums, piano. I am working on the Cello.
String theory still eludes me. I can get the concept...its just...it doesn't really make sense to me. I keep telling people, "I AM NOT A SCIENCE NERD!"
Of course now I do massage and herbs. Its still a challenge for me so I will stick with it for now. I am also learning AutoCAD. That too is a challenge.
Ok, so there is a bit more about me. Maybe next time I'll write about the scar I have on my side from when I got shot.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Direction
I had a vision on how this blog was supposed to be. I put in the description Life's Journey and the Road Less Travelled. My friends know that I don't take the easy way nor am I a follower. I don't believe in destiny. Destiny is the end of the road you choose to take. I don't believe in fate. Fate is the twists and turns in life that you also choose. The outcome is all based on what we want in life and how we perceive things. Are you a "glass half full" type person or the "glass half empty" type person. Something wonderful could be sitting right in front, arms reach, but because of our perception we will either see it as wonderful, something bad, or miss it all together.
I'm guilty of this. Let something wonderful slip through my hands more than once. But I recognize it now. Change my perception and see things differently. It took me awhile to do this. It doesn't happen overnight and it involves something most people don't want to do. Letting go of the past and negative thoughts and emotions.
As an empath, I am all about feelings and emotions. I attatch certain events with emotions and they stay buried deep inside. Letting go of those can be quite an experience. I like that I am free to explore without the baggage I used to carry around.
Everyone has something in their past that they will always carry around, but will it be a negative experience or a positive one?
I like to think of myself as a positive person...of course I do have my issues. Yes...issues...They are fun aren't they. Ever meet a dark and morbid person who had a positive outlook?
Direction...it changes all the time. Life changes all the time.
I'm guilty of this. Let something wonderful slip through my hands more than once. But I recognize it now. Change my perception and see things differently. It took me awhile to do this. It doesn't happen overnight and it involves something most people don't want to do. Letting go of the past and negative thoughts and emotions.
As an empath, I am all about feelings and emotions. I attatch certain events with emotions and they stay buried deep inside. Letting go of those can be quite an experience. I like that I am free to explore without the baggage I used to carry around.
Everyone has something in their past that they will always carry around, but will it be a negative experience or a positive one?
I like to think of myself as a positive person...of course I do have my issues. Yes...issues...They are fun aren't they. Ever meet a dark and morbid person who had a positive outlook?
Direction...it changes all the time. Life changes all the time.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
What Happened.
For those who are still wondering if I found out what happened. The answer is yes. Not sure anyone really wants to hear the real truth. I know I did not. It has taken me some time to process it and am still trying to deal with it. Me and my morbid mind needs to know all the details. But I don't think I will ever know.
So read at your own risk. I am warning you.
My mother had gotten off the bus and was crossing the street. She made it across the eastbound lane and was waiting to pass the west bound lane. There were no cross walks where she was or stoplight.
My mother is usually off in her own little world. Always thinking of what she needs to do instead of where she actually is. She stepped in front of a pick up that was doing 35 mph and was thrown about 40 feet.
I do not know the details afterwards and that is the part that bugs me. I think it always will.
So read at your own risk. I am warning you.
My mother had gotten off the bus and was crossing the street. She made it across the eastbound lane and was waiting to pass the west bound lane. There were no cross walks where she was or stoplight.
My mother is usually off in her own little world. Always thinking of what she needs to do instead of where she actually is. She stepped in front of a pick up that was doing 35 mph and was thrown about 40 feet.
I do not know the details afterwards and that is the part that bugs me. I think it always will.
Time
They say: "Time heals all wounds."
I could never figure out that statement. Maybe it would be better if it was stated: "Time helps all wounds." or "Time heals some wounds." maybe "Time will ease the pain."
There are some things that I've gone through when I was younger that still hurt just as bad as they did when it happened. Time has done nothing to stop it. And there are other things that just get re-opened with certain events.
I don't think time has anything to do with it at all. I think it is a good psychologist. Just kidding. Everyone has ways of dealing with things. For me it is music and writing. This is my outlet. This is how I sort things out, my joys, my sorrows, my pain, my grief.
I lose myself in music. If not playing then listening. All sorts of music.
If you want to hear some awesome music you need to hear Sean Damon aka Sean Dokken. I would alway ask him to sing Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera way back in the day. The site direct you to his MySpace site and you can listen to some of his music.
Another favourite is Celldweller. Klayton is awesome at pulling everything together to create a track.
Apocalyptica. This group makes me envious. I would love to be able to play the cello like this. You can check them out on here to listen to some of their tracks.
You might need to have a MySpace account to listen.
I could never figure out that statement. Maybe it would be better if it was stated: "Time helps all wounds." or "Time heals some wounds." maybe "Time will ease the pain."
There are some things that I've gone through when I was younger that still hurt just as bad as they did when it happened. Time has done nothing to stop it. And there are other things that just get re-opened with certain events.
I don't think time has anything to do with it at all. I think it is a good psychologist. Just kidding. Everyone has ways of dealing with things. For me it is music and writing. This is my outlet. This is how I sort things out, my joys, my sorrows, my pain, my grief.
I lose myself in music. If not playing then listening. All sorts of music.
If you want to hear some awesome music you need to hear Sean Damon aka Sean Dokken. I would alway ask him to sing Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera way back in the day. The site direct you to his MySpace site and you can listen to some of his music.
Another favourite is Celldweller. Klayton is awesome at pulling everything together to create a track.
Apocalyptica. This group makes me envious. I would love to be able to play the cello like this. You can check them out on here to listen to some of their tracks.
You might need to have a MySpace account to listen.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tonight
Tonight is rough. I've been sitting here thinking, remembering that at 10:56 pm I got a phone call one week ago. Less than 40 minutes after that I was hearing the news that my mother was dead.
This week has been bittersweet. I was able to spend time with my brother whom I haven't seen in quite some time. We promised each other that we would not let a large amount of time go by without seeing each other again.
His family and mine were able to get to know one another more. But it shouldn't have been under these circumstances.
I know that time heals all wounds, but when its fresh it really hurts. I know the pain will lessen over time.
I AM REALLY THANKFUL for my friends that have been here for me even if they couldn't be here in person.
I received a call from Scotland yesterday morning. I have a pen pal that I have been conversing with for almost a year. It was wonderful to hear his voice. I love his accent. I am thankful that he is my friend.
I am thankful for my friend in California who stayed up late several nights to make me laugh and take my mind off of things even if for a little while.
I am thankful for my friends here who have been helpful in bringing meals and calling to remind me of things that needed to get done or a call just to say hello. My brain really did leave me. I couldn't remember anything, things are still a bit fuzzy.
I am thankful for my mother's friends who so lovingly put together a collage of pictures for the service, made the programs, put together the reception afterwards. Making all the plans so I wouldn't have to.
I am thankful for one of my mom's friend and her husband who helped me with the mortuary and the cremation plans. Without them, it would not have been possible. They really have my love and thanks.
I always wanted to get a plant or two for my house. I usually kill things. Don't know why. I can have a wonderful garden, grow lots of herbs, but flowers and houseplants escape me. Now my house if filled with flowers and plants. My mom has grown two citrus plants from seed and I am so afraid of killing them. She also has various other plants, my livingroom is starting to look like a forest.
Oh and she has this tomato plant, except its not a plant. Its a tree. This thing is huge. I cannot figure out how she got it to grow so big in her tiny little apartment. Friends of hers said that it wouldn't grow tomatoes at first because she couldn't get it pollenated. So she took the screen off of her window and propped the plant so part of it was hanging outside. She lived on the second floor of her apt. building. Well, it ended up having the most delicious cherry tomatoes.
One week ago today at this time I was looking down at my mom as she lay in the hospital. My kids and I said goodbye to her as I gently pushed the hair off of her forehead and I stroked her hand.
I know it will get easier. It just takes time. I am not a patient person.
This week has been bittersweet. I was able to spend time with my brother whom I haven't seen in quite some time. We promised each other that we would not let a large amount of time go by without seeing each other again.
His family and mine were able to get to know one another more. But it shouldn't have been under these circumstances.
I know that time heals all wounds, but when its fresh it really hurts. I know the pain will lessen over time.
I AM REALLY THANKFUL for my friends that have been here for me even if they couldn't be here in person.
I received a call from Scotland yesterday morning. I have a pen pal that I have been conversing with for almost a year. It was wonderful to hear his voice. I love his accent. I am thankful that he is my friend.
I am thankful for my friend in California who stayed up late several nights to make me laugh and take my mind off of things even if for a little while.
I am thankful for my friends here who have been helpful in bringing meals and calling to remind me of things that needed to get done or a call just to say hello. My brain really did leave me. I couldn't remember anything, things are still a bit fuzzy.
I am thankful for my mother's friends who so lovingly put together a collage of pictures for the service, made the programs, put together the reception afterwards. Making all the plans so I wouldn't have to.
I am thankful for one of my mom's friend and her husband who helped me with the mortuary and the cremation plans. Without them, it would not have been possible. They really have my love and thanks.
I always wanted to get a plant or two for my house. I usually kill things. Don't know why. I can have a wonderful garden, grow lots of herbs, but flowers and houseplants escape me. Now my house if filled with flowers and plants. My mom has grown two citrus plants from seed and I am so afraid of killing them. She also has various other plants, my livingroom is starting to look like a forest.
Oh and she has this tomato plant, except its not a plant. Its a tree. This thing is huge. I cannot figure out how she got it to grow so big in her tiny little apartment. Friends of hers said that it wouldn't grow tomatoes at first because she couldn't get it pollenated. So she took the screen off of her window and propped the plant so part of it was hanging outside. She lived on the second floor of her apt. building. Well, it ended up having the most delicious cherry tomatoes.
One week ago today at this time I was looking down at my mom as she lay in the hospital. My kids and I said goodbye to her as I gently pushed the hair off of her forehead and I stroked her hand.
I know it will get easier. It just takes time. I am not a patient person.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Old Friends
Feeling as messed up as I am, I thought I'd try to find some friends that I'd lost touch with. Its amazing how much time one lets slip away before you realize that deep friendships shouldn't be let go.
I caught up with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in a long time. Yeah, there's history. I can't begin to say how much I missed him. Over the past couple of days he has really helped me deal with this trajedy with my mom. Amidst all this, he has made me laugh.
My biggest problem is that he is 1200 miles away. But that's ok. Technology is great isn't it?
Friendship to me is a very special and private thing. It takes me a long time to make one and then I keep it for life. I can honestly say that I will never let another friend go. Will find the time to keep in touch, because you never know.
So here's a shout out to a friend that I deeply appreciate:
THANK YOU BRETT!!!!
I caught up with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in a long time. Yeah, there's history. I can't begin to say how much I missed him. Over the past couple of days he has really helped me deal with this trajedy with my mom. Amidst all this, he has made me laugh.
My biggest problem is that he is 1200 miles away. But that's ok. Technology is great isn't it?
Friendship to me is a very special and private thing. It takes me a long time to make one and then I keep it for life. I can honestly say that I will never let another friend go. Will find the time to keep in touch, because you never know.
So here's a shout out to a friend that I deeply appreciate:
THANK YOU BRETT!!!!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Still haven't found out the truth
I still haven't received the police report. Will be doing that tonight. I found an article in the newspaper.
It says that my mom was crossing the street and not in the crosswalk. I guess the car did not see her and struck her doing about 45 mph. It was dark. They found no negligence on the driver's part or so the newspaper says.
It says that my mom was crossing the street and not in the crosswalk. I guess the car did not see her and struck her doing about 45 mph. It was dark. They found no negligence on the driver's part or so the newspaper says.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
5 minutes
I was sitting at my table Sunday night, getting ready to go upstairs to bed when the phone rings. It is 11 p.m. I'm thinking, who in the world is calling me. So I answer it. A voice tells me that my mother was in a serious car accident and I need to come to Swedish Hospital right away. I get directions and ask how serious is it? They tell me its very serious. I get the kids dressed and we are out the door. I get to the hospital and they usher me and my boys into a conference room...dim light goes on in the brain.
They bring in the doctor and head nurse...another dim light goes on. I keep hoping against hope that maybe she was just fine.
They go into their usual speel. She was brought in, we did surgery, we did all we could...but unfortunately...there was too much damage...she died. Five freaking minutes before we got there.
I'm numb. I know the whole thing, they didn't have to explain it to me. I ask to see her. Of course they say. Have to warn you though...I don't want the boys to see her just yet. I wanted to see the damage first. I've seen pedestrian vs auto before. Its never a pretty sight. I will never forget the sight of my mother lying there.
She's kind of a tiny woman, typical Japanese lady. She was so full of energy. She played with my boys when they were over...basketball, tennis, ran around the park...etc. She never sat still, always moving.
And here she was, battered and bruised. Swollen from the fluids. Still.
Just 5 minutes too late.
I cannot describe the pain. I cannot describe how I've been handling this. Everyone says I'm doing good. If they only knew. I keep saying I'm fine while I sleep. People keep offering me sleeping pills. I sleep just fine. Its when I wake up thats the problem. I keep trying to get through the day. I keep trying to make it.
I'm forgetting things. I can't remember who says what and what I have to do. I feel as though I am shutting down, but I can't. So I try to keep going.
Things don't make sense. I can't cry, I'd never stop. I can't grieve, it would be encompassing and there would be no one to pull me out.
I don't want to be around her friends because in a group, their grief is overwhelming and I can't handle theirs and mine at the same time. So I have to block it out. It makes me tired, I get really bad headaches. I have two more major things to do. Go to the police dept. and pick up her belongings and a copy of the police report. And make it through Saturday which is her memorial service. The place seats a little over 200 and they are afraid that it will not be enough. My mom was quite popular even if she says she doesn't have that many friends.
Then I have to take care of the small details and such.
I am tired. I hurt. I keep thinking things that I shouldn't.
I need to work to keep busy.
If only...the two saddest words in life.
If only I had:
talked to her more often
visited her more often
called her more often
sent her cards more often
been there for her
I had told her I loved her more often
If only I had not been 5 minutes too late.
They bring in the doctor and head nurse...another dim light goes on. I keep hoping against hope that maybe she was just fine.
They go into their usual speel. She was brought in, we did surgery, we did all we could...but unfortunately...there was too much damage...she died. Five freaking minutes before we got there.
I'm numb. I know the whole thing, they didn't have to explain it to me. I ask to see her. Of course they say. Have to warn you though...I don't want the boys to see her just yet. I wanted to see the damage first. I've seen pedestrian vs auto before. Its never a pretty sight. I will never forget the sight of my mother lying there.
She's kind of a tiny woman, typical Japanese lady. She was so full of energy. She played with my boys when they were over...basketball, tennis, ran around the park...etc. She never sat still, always moving.
And here she was, battered and bruised. Swollen from the fluids. Still.
Just 5 minutes too late.
I cannot describe the pain. I cannot describe how I've been handling this. Everyone says I'm doing good. If they only knew. I keep saying I'm fine while I sleep. People keep offering me sleeping pills. I sleep just fine. Its when I wake up thats the problem. I keep trying to get through the day. I keep trying to make it.
I'm forgetting things. I can't remember who says what and what I have to do. I feel as though I am shutting down, but I can't. So I try to keep going.
Things don't make sense. I can't cry, I'd never stop. I can't grieve, it would be encompassing and there would be no one to pull me out.
I don't want to be around her friends because in a group, their grief is overwhelming and I can't handle theirs and mine at the same time. So I have to block it out. It makes me tired, I get really bad headaches. I have two more major things to do. Go to the police dept. and pick up her belongings and a copy of the police report. And make it through Saturday which is her memorial service. The place seats a little over 200 and they are afraid that it will not be enough. My mom was quite popular even if she says she doesn't have that many friends.
Then I have to take care of the small details and such.
I am tired. I hurt. I keep thinking things that I shouldn't.
I need to work to keep busy.
If only...the two saddest words in life.
If only I had:
talked to her more often
visited her more often
called her more often
sent her cards more often
been there for her
I had told her I loved her more often
If only I had not been 5 minutes too late.
These days
Call you up in the middle of the night,
like a fire flower miles away,
you were there like a blow torch burnin',
I was a key that could use a little turnin'
So tired that I couldn't even sleep,
so many secrets I couldn't keep,
promised myself I wouldn't weep,
one more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep theres no way out,
this time I have really let myself pull stray
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile,
make it somehow seem all worth while,
how on earth did I get so jaded,
last mystery seemed so naked
I can go where no one else can go,
I know what no one else has known,
here I am just a drowning in the brain,
with a ticket for a runaway train
Everything seems judded inside,
day and night earth and sky,
somehow I just don't believe it
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Want a ticket for a runaway train?,
like a madman laughin' at the rain,
a little out of touch little in the brain,
its just easier to deal with the pain
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin' back,
runaway train tearin' up the track,
runaway train burnin' in my veins,
run away but it always seems the same
like a fire flower miles away,
you were there like a blow torch burnin',
I was a key that could use a little turnin'
So tired that I couldn't even sleep,
so many secrets I couldn't keep,
promised myself I wouldn't weep,
one more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep theres no way out,
this time I have really let myself pull stray
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile,
make it somehow seem all worth while,
how on earth did I get so jaded,
last mystery seemed so naked
I can go where no one else can go,
I know what no one else has known,
here I am just a drowning in the brain,
with a ticket for a runaway train
Everything seems judded inside,
day and night earth and sky,
somehow I just don't believe it
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Want a ticket for a runaway train?,
like a madman laughin' at the rain,
a little out of touch little in the brain,
its just easier to deal with the pain
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin' back,
runaway train tearin' up the track,
runaway train burnin' in my veins,
run away but it always seems the same
Monday, October 6, 2008
Late nights
Here I am sitting at my computer listening to Sarah Mclachlan and working...well trying to work. I have such a weird schedule. Brutal actually. I work from 10:00 p.m. to 2 a.m. on the computer, then I have to take my oldest son into work. He has to be there by 3 or so. I get home about 3:30 and then back out the door at 6:15 to pick him up again.
Don't ask me when I sleep. I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.
What I am doing right now...
Drinking Earl Grey tea and lemon water and working.
Listening to...
Ice by Sarah Mclachlan
Wearing...
Grey slacks and a dark green t-shirt. Oh and hand-knitted slipper socks.
Wishing...
My friend was here to keep me company. But all the sane people are asleep.
Don't ask me when I sleep. I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.
What I am doing right now...
Drinking Earl Grey tea and lemon water and working.
Listening to...
Ice by Sarah Mclachlan
Wearing...
Grey slacks and a dark green t-shirt. Oh and hand-knitted slipper socks.
Wishing...
My friend was here to keep me company. But all the sane people are asleep.
Life
It is funny how life has so many twists and turns, forked roads...which one do you take? Do you take the road less travelled? or the one many have been down before? Do you blaze your own trail or take the well beaten path?
I think of every day as a new adventure...which path to choose; which decision to make. I think if I didn't have children I'd be a bit more daring, but ultimately decisions I make affect them too. So to choose a course, I try to choose wisely. Doesn't mean it will always come out the way I want it to, but again that is Life's journey
I think of every day as a new adventure...which path to choose; which decision to make. I think if I didn't have children I'd be a bit more daring, but ultimately decisions I make affect them too. So to choose a course, I try to choose wisely. Doesn't mean it will always come out the way I want it to, but again that is Life's journey
Friday, October 3, 2008
Me
Someone once told me that they would like to know more about me. How frightening!
Surface stuff:
I am ageless...I really do believe that age is only relative to how one thinks and feels.
I have three boys.
I have three dogs and a cat.
I love martial arts.
I collect knives and swords although my favourite weapon is my bo staff.
My favourite move was JAWS when I was seven (my tastes hasn't gotten any better).
I love to write.
My favourite foods are Japanese and Italian. Favourite drink is Iced tea. Favourite alcoholic drink is Scotch-neat.
I need music constantly in my daily life.
I have a tested IQ of genius level although I really hate it. I try to get away with acting insane than smart.
Oh...and I am really morbid and the darker the humour the better.
Things one can't see:
I'm an empath.
I am afraid to slow down.
My brain is working overtime even when I sleep.
I nearly died once and did die another time. And there was no light at the end of the tunnel and no out of body experience.
I am damaged.
I have a damaged heart.
I beat cancer.
I am cynical, but hide it very well.
Life story...I really don't have one. Not one worth hearing anyway. Did not have a great childhood. Did not have it easy afterwards either, but then I am not alone.
I can say I was a weird child. People's emotions were more like very loud voices. I think that is why I like music so much. It drowns out people. Music has its own emotions that tend to block out people. I get tired of trying to build walls, it takes too much energy. I didn't know this as a child. Things were overwhelming and I acted accordingly which was not always the best.
About dying...because I know I am going to get emails over this.
Bad reaction to a prescription drug and it went to the extreme. I was clinically dead for about 5 minutes. It happened when I was 22. It has really changed my perspective on things. My first child was only three years old. It made me think what was important to me. I want my children to remember me as the mom who was not too busy. I don't want them to look back and think I wish...
So my house may be a little cluttered because I cut corners to be outside with them playing and learning. Yeah...gotta work on that. I know there is balance right? But the extreme would me always cleaning the house because I have a three year old that we have fondly nicknamed F-5.
I may not always be on time because I got caught up on trying to catch grasshoppers with the boys or we are playing games together.
I may not always answer the phone if we are getting involved in a real good video game or watching anime.
I am comfortable with myself. I actually like the way I am.
Surface stuff:
I am ageless...I really do believe that age is only relative to how one thinks and feels.
I have three boys.
I have three dogs and a cat.
I love martial arts.
I collect knives and swords although my favourite weapon is my bo staff.
My favourite move was JAWS when I was seven (my tastes hasn't gotten any better).
I love to write.
My favourite foods are Japanese and Italian. Favourite drink is Iced tea. Favourite alcoholic drink is Scotch-neat.
I need music constantly in my daily life.
I have a tested IQ of genius level although I really hate it. I try to get away with acting insane than smart.
Oh...and I am really morbid and the darker the humour the better.
Things one can't see:
I'm an empath.
I am afraid to slow down.
My brain is working overtime even when I sleep.
I nearly died once and did die another time. And there was no light at the end of the tunnel and no out of body experience.
I am damaged.
I have a damaged heart.
I beat cancer.
I am cynical, but hide it very well.
Life story...I really don't have one. Not one worth hearing anyway. Did not have a great childhood. Did not have it easy afterwards either, but then I am not alone.
I can say I was a weird child. People's emotions were more like very loud voices. I think that is why I like music so much. It drowns out people. Music has its own emotions that tend to block out people. I get tired of trying to build walls, it takes too much energy. I didn't know this as a child. Things were overwhelming and I acted accordingly which was not always the best.
About dying...because I know I am going to get emails over this.
Bad reaction to a prescription drug and it went to the extreme. I was clinically dead for about 5 minutes. It happened when I was 22. It has really changed my perspective on things. My first child was only three years old. It made me think what was important to me. I want my children to remember me as the mom who was not too busy. I don't want them to look back and think I wish...
So my house may be a little cluttered because I cut corners to be outside with them playing and learning. Yeah...gotta work on that. I know there is balance right? But the extreme would me always cleaning the house because I have a three year old that we have fondly nicknamed F-5.
I may not always be on time because I got caught up on trying to catch grasshoppers with the boys or we are playing games together.
I may not always answer the phone if we are getting involved in a real good video game or watching anime.
I am comfortable with myself. I actually like the way I am.
End of the Day
What do you do at the end of the day? How do you unwind? Is it just a matter of turning off the mind?
I let my mind wander around a bit...luckily it has come back from time to time. Well, I guess that is a matter of opinion at times.
Here I am sitting at this computer, listening to Evanescence and B'z, and drinking a glass of wine. Still can't turn the brain off.
So I sit. Thinking of mindless things like writing poetry and short stories when I should be working. Shhh...no one knows that I am not.
I let my mind wander around a bit...luckily it has come back from time to time. Well, I guess that is a matter of opinion at times.
Here I am sitting at this computer, listening to Evanescence and B'z, and drinking a glass of wine. Still can't turn the brain off.
So I sit. Thinking of mindless things like writing poetry and short stories when I should be working. Shhh...no one knows that I am not.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Delicious body scrub
I love using body scrubs instead of soap or body wash since they tend to dry out the skin. Where I live, that is the last thing you want to do.
Sugar and Spice scrub:
1 cup sugar (I especially like using brown sugar)
2 tsp cinnamon
2tsp nutmeg
1 tsp Vanilla extract
2 cups oil (Grapeseed, Almond oil, etc.)
Mix together in a bowl then put in an airtight container.
Sugar and Spice scrub:
1 cup sugar (I especially like using brown sugar)
2 tsp cinnamon
2tsp nutmeg
1 tsp Vanilla extract
2 cups oil (Grapeseed, Almond oil, etc.)
Mix together in a bowl then put in an airtight container.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My First Post
I had another blog. But for some reason I can't access it. Bummer. I really liked My Little World.
I was going to make this blog about me and my little world. But I have to include my children because they are a big part of my world. So for those of you who know me (pen pals, IM friends,etc) don't freak because I didn't mention I had children.
I named this Land of the Snow Wolf because Yukie Okami means snow wolf. I usually am in my own little world.
I was going to make this blog about me and my little world. But I have to include my children because they are a big part of my world. So for those of you who know me (pen pals, IM friends,etc) don't freak because I didn't mention I had children.
I named this Land of the Snow Wolf because Yukie Okami means snow wolf. I usually am in my own little world.
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