For those who are still wondering if I found out what happened. The answer is yes. Not sure anyone really wants to hear the real truth. I know I did not. It has taken me some time to process it and am still trying to deal with it. Me and my morbid mind needs to know all the details. But I don't think I will ever know.
So read at your own risk. I am warning you.
My mother had gotten off the bus and was crossing the street. She made it across the eastbound lane and was waiting to pass the west bound lane. There were no cross walks where she was or stoplight.
My mother is usually off in her own little world. Always thinking of what she needs to do instead of where she actually is. She stepped in front of a pick up that was doing 35 mph and was thrown about 40 feet.
I do not know the details afterwards and that is the part that bugs me. I think it always will.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Time
They say: "Time heals all wounds."
I could never figure out that statement. Maybe it would be better if it was stated: "Time helps all wounds." or "Time heals some wounds." maybe "Time will ease the pain."
There are some things that I've gone through when I was younger that still hurt just as bad as they did when it happened. Time has done nothing to stop it. And there are other things that just get re-opened with certain events.
I don't think time has anything to do with it at all. I think it is a good psychologist. Just kidding. Everyone has ways of dealing with things. For me it is music and writing. This is my outlet. This is how I sort things out, my joys, my sorrows, my pain, my grief.
I lose myself in music. If not playing then listening. All sorts of music.
If you want to hear some awesome music you need to hear Sean Damon aka Sean Dokken. I would alway ask him to sing Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera way back in the day. The site direct you to his MySpace site and you can listen to some of his music.
Another favourite is Celldweller. Klayton is awesome at pulling everything together to create a track.
Apocalyptica. This group makes me envious. I would love to be able to play the cello like this. You can check them out on here to listen to some of their tracks.
You might need to have a MySpace account to listen.
I could never figure out that statement. Maybe it would be better if it was stated: "Time helps all wounds." or "Time heals some wounds." maybe "Time will ease the pain."
There are some things that I've gone through when I was younger that still hurt just as bad as they did when it happened. Time has done nothing to stop it. And there are other things that just get re-opened with certain events.
I don't think time has anything to do with it at all. I think it is a good psychologist. Just kidding. Everyone has ways of dealing with things. For me it is music and writing. This is my outlet. This is how I sort things out, my joys, my sorrows, my pain, my grief.
I lose myself in music. If not playing then listening. All sorts of music.
If you want to hear some awesome music you need to hear Sean Damon aka Sean Dokken. I would alway ask him to sing Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera way back in the day. The site direct you to his MySpace site and you can listen to some of his music.
Another favourite is Celldweller. Klayton is awesome at pulling everything together to create a track.
Apocalyptica. This group makes me envious. I would love to be able to play the cello like this. You can check them out on here to listen to some of their tracks.
You might need to have a MySpace account to listen.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tonight
Tonight is rough. I've been sitting here thinking, remembering that at 10:56 pm I got a phone call one week ago. Less than 40 minutes after that I was hearing the news that my mother was dead.
This week has been bittersweet. I was able to spend time with my brother whom I haven't seen in quite some time. We promised each other that we would not let a large amount of time go by without seeing each other again.
His family and mine were able to get to know one another more. But it shouldn't have been under these circumstances.
I know that time heals all wounds, but when its fresh it really hurts. I know the pain will lessen over time.
I AM REALLY THANKFUL for my friends that have been here for me even if they couldn't be here in person.
I received a call from Scotland yesterday morning. I have a pen pal that I have been conversing with for almost a year. It was wonderful to hear his voice. I love his accent. I am thankful that he is my friend.
I am thankful for my friend in California who stayed up late several nights to make me laugh and take my mind off of things even if for a little while.
I am thankful for my friends here who have been helpful in bringing meals and calling to remind me of things that needed to get done or a call just to say hello. My brain really did leave me. I couldn't remember anything, things are still a bit fuzzy.
I am thankful for my mother's friends who so lovingly put together a collage of pictures for the service, made the programs, put together the reception afterwards. Making all the plans so I wouldn't have to.
I am thankful for one of my mom's friend and her husband who helped me with the mortuary and the cremation plans. Without them, it would not have been possible. They really have my love and thanks.
I always wanted to get a plant or two for my house. I usually kill things. Don't know why. I can have a wonderful garden, grow lots of herbs, but flowers and houseplants escape me. Now my house if filled with flowers and plants. My mom has grown two citrus plants from seed and I am so afraid of killing them. She also has various other plants, my livingroom is starting to look like a forest.
Oh and she has this tomato plant, except its not a plant. Its a tree. This thing is huge. I cannot figure out how she got it to grow so big in her tiny little apartment. Friends of hers said that it wouldn't grow tomatoes at first because she couldn't get it pollenated. So she took the screen off of her window and propped the plant so part of it was hanging outside. She lived on the second floor of her apt. building. Well, it ended up having the most delicious cherry tomatoes.
One week ago today at this time I was looking down at my mom as she lay in the hospital. My kids and I said goodbye to her as I gently pushed the hair off of her forehead and I stroked her hand.
I know it will get easier. It just takes time. I am not a patient person.
This week has been bittersweet. I was able to spend time with my brother whom I haven't seen in quite some time. We promised each other that we would not let a large amount of time go by without seeing each other again.
His family and mine were able to get to know one another more. But it shouldn't have been under these circumstances.
I know that time heals all wounds, but when its fresh it really hurts. I know the pain will lessen over time.
I AM REALLY THANKFUL for my friends that have been here for me even if they couldn't be here in person.
I received a call from Scotland yesterday morning. I have a pen pal that I have been conversing with for almost a year. It was wonderful to hear his voice. I love his accent. I am thankful that he is my friend.
I am thankful for my friend in California who stayed up late several nights to make me laugh and take my mind off of things even if for a little while.
I am thankful for my friends here who have been helpful in bringing meals and calling to remind me of things that needed to get done or a call just to say hello. My brain really did leave me. I couldn't remember anything, things are still a bit fuzzy.
I am thankful for my mother's friends who so lovingly put together a collage of pictures for the service, made the programs, put together the reception afterwards. Making all the plans so I wouldn't have to.
I am thankful for one of my mom's friend and her husband who helped me with the mortuary and the cremation plans. Without them, it would not have been possible. They really have my love and thanks.
I always wanted to get a plant or two for my house. I usually kill things. Don't know why. I can have a wonderful garden, grow lots of herbs, but flowers and houseplants escape me. Now my house if filled with flowers and plants. My mom has grown two citrus plants from seed and I am so afraid of killing them. She also has various other plants, my livingroom is starting to look like a forest.
Oh and she has this tomato plant, except its not a plant. Its a tree. This thing is huge. I cannot figure out how she got it to grow so big in her tiny little apartment. Friends of hers said that it wouldn't grow tomatoes at first because she couldn't get it pollenated. So she took the screen off of her window and propped the plant so part of it was hanging outside. She lived on the second floor of her apt. building. Well, it ended up having the most delicious cherry tomatoes.
One week ago today at this time I was looking down at my mom as she lay in the hospital. My kids and I said goodbye to her as I gently pushed the hair off of her forehead and I stroked her hand.
I know it will get easier. It just takes time. I am not a patient person.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Old Friends
Feeling as messed up as I am, I thought I'd try to find some friends that I'd lost touch with. Its amazing how much time one lets slip away before you realize that deep friendships shouldn't be let go.
I caught up with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in a long time. Yeah, there's history. I can't begin to say how much I missed him. Over the past couple of days he has really helped me deal with this trajedy with my mom. Amidst all this, he has made me laugh.
My biggest problem is that he is 1200 miles away. But that's ok. Technology is great isn't it?
Friendship to me is a very special and private thing. It takes me a long time to make one and then I keep it for life. I can honestly say that I will never let another friend go. Will find the time to keep in touch, because you never know.
So here's a shout out to a friend that I deeply appreciate:
THANK YOU BRETT!!!!
I caught up with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in a long time. Yeah, there's history. I can't begin to say how much I missed him. Over the past couple of days he has really helped me deal with this trajedy with my mom. Amidst all this, he has made me laugh.
My biggest problem is that he is 1200 miles away. But that's ok. Technology is great isn't it?
Friendship to me is a very special and private thing. It takes me a long time to make one and then I keep it for life. I can honestly say that I will never let another friend go. Will find the time to keep in touch, because you never know.
So here's a shout out to a friend that I deeply appreciate:
THANK YOU BRETT!!!!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Still haven't found out the truth
I still haven't received the police report. Will be doing that tonight. I found an article in the newspaper.
It says that my mom was crossing the street and not in the crosswalk. I guess the car did not see her and struck her doing about 45 mph. It was dark. They found no negligence on the driver's part or so the newspaper says.
It says that my mom was crossing the street and not in the crosswalk. I guess the car did not see her and struck her doing about 45 mph. It was dark. They found no negligence on the driver's part or so the newspaper says.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
5 minutes
I was sitting at my table Sunday night, getting ready to go upstairs to bed when the phone rings. It is 11 p.m. I'm thinking, who in the world is calling me. So I answer it. A voice tells me that my mother was in a serious car accident and I need to come to Swedish Hospital right away. I get directions and ask how serious is it? They tell me its very serious. I get the kids dressed and we are out the door. I get to the hospital and they usher me and my boys into a conference room...dim light goes on in the brain.
They bring in the doctor and head nurse...another dim light goes on. I keep hoping against hope that maybe she was just fine.
They go into their usual speel. She was brought in, we did surgery, we did all we could...but unfortunately...there was too much damage...she died. Five freaking minutes before we got there.
I'm numb. I know the whole thing, they didn't have to explain it to me. I ask to see her. Of course they say. Have to warn you though...I don't want the boys to see her just yet. I wanted to see the damage first. I've seen pedestrian vs auto before. Its never a pretty sight. I will never forget the sight of my mother lying there.
She's kind of a tiny woman, typical Japanese lady. She was so full of energy. She played with my boys when they were over...basketball, tennis, ran around the park...etc. She never sat still, always moving.
And here she was, battered and bruised. Swollen from the fluids. Still.
Just 5 minutes too late.
I cannot describe the pain. I cannot describe how I've been handling this. Everyone says I'm doing good. If they only knew. I keep saying I'm fine while I sleep. People keep offering me sleeping pills. I sleep just fine. Its when I wake up thats the problem. I keep trying to get through the day. I keep trying to make it.
I'm forgetting things. I can't remember who says what and what I have to do. I feel as though I am shutting down, but I can't. So I try to keep going.
Things don't make sense. I can't cry, I'd never stop. I can't grieve, it would be encompassing and there would be no one to pull me out.
I don't want to be around her friends because in a group, their grief is overwhelming and I can't handle theirs and mine at the same time. So I have to block it out. It makes me tired, I get really bad headaches. I have two more major things to do. Go to the police dept. and pick up her belongings and a copy of the police report. And make it through Saturday which is her memorial service. The place seats a little over 200 and they are afraid that it will not be enough. My mom was quite popular even if she says she doesn't have that many friends.
Then I have to take care of the small details and such.
I am tired. I hurt. I keep thinking things that I shouldn't.
I need to work to keep busy.
If only...the two saddest words in life.
If only I had:
talked to her more often
visited her more often
called her more often
sent her cards more often
been there for her
I had told her I loved her more often
If only I had not been 5 minutes too late.
They bring in the doctor and head nurse...another dim light goes on. I keep hoping against hope that maybe she was just fine.
They go into their usual speel. She was brought in, we did surgery, we did all we could...but unfortunately...there was too much damage...she died. Five freaking minutes before we got there.
I'm numb. I know the whole thing, they didn't have to explain it to me. I ask to see her. Of course they say. Have to warn you though...I don't want the boys to see her just yet. I wanted to see the damage first. I've seen pedestrian vs auto before. Its never a pretty sight. I will never forget the sight of my mother lying there.
She's kind of a tiny woman, typical Japanese lady. She was so full of energy. She played with my boys when they were over...basketball, tennis, ran around the park...etc. She never sat still, always moving.
And here she was, battered and bruised. Swollen from the fluids. Still.
Just 5 minutes too late.
I cannot describe the pain. I cannot describe how I've been handling this. Everyone says I'm doing good. If they only knew. I keep saying I'm fine while I sleep. People keep offering me sleeping pills. I sleep just fine. Its when I wake up thats the problem. I keep trying to get through the day. I keep trying to make it.
I'm forgetting things. I can't remember who says what and what I have to do. I feel as though I am shutting down, but I can't. So I try to keep going.
Things don't make sense. I can't cry, I'd never stop. I can't grieve, it would be encompassing and there would be no one to pull me out.
I don't want to be around her friends because in a group, their grief is overwhelming and I can't handle theirs and mine at the same time. So I have to block it out. It makes me tired, I get really bad headaches. I have two more major things to do. Go to the police dept. and pick up her belongings and a copy of the police report. And make it through Saturday which is her memorial service. The place seats a little over 200 and they are afraid that it will not be enough. My mom was quite popular even if she says she doesn't have that many friends.
Then I have to take care of the small details and such.
I am tired. I hurt. I keep thinking things that I shouldn't.
I need to work to keep busy.
If only...the two saddest words in life.
If only I had:
talked to her more often
visited her more often
called her more often
sent her cards more often
been there for her
I had told her I loved her more often
If only I had not been 5 minutes too late.
These days
Call you up in the middle of the night,
like a fire flower miles away,
you were there like a blow torch burnin',
I was a key that could use a little turnin'
So tired that I couldn't even sleep,
so many secrets I couldn't keep,
promised myself I wouldn't weep,
one more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep theres no way out,
this time I have really let myself pull stray
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile,
make it somehow seem all worth while,
how on earth did I get so jaded,
last mystery seemed so naked
I can go where no one else can go,
I know what no one else has known,
here I am just a drowning in the brain,
with a ticket for a runaway train
Everything seems judded inside,
day and night earth and sky,
somehow I just don't believe it
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Want a ticket for a runaway train?,
like a madman laughin' at the rain,
a little out of touch little in the brain,
its just easier to deal with the pain
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin' back,
runaway train tearin' up the track,
runaway train burnin' in my veins,
run away but it always seems the same
like a fire flower miles away,
you were there like a blow torch burnin',
I was a key that could use a little turnin'
So tired that I couldn't even sleep,
so many secrets I couldn't keep,
promised myself I wouldn't weep,
one more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep theres no way out,
this time I have really let myself pull stray
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile,
make it somehow seem all worth while,
how on earth did I get so jaded,
last mystery seemed so naked
I can go where no one else can go,
I know what no one else has known,
here I am just a drowning in the brain,
with a ticket for a runaway train
Everything seems judded inside,
day and night earth and sky,
somehow I just don't believe it
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Want a ticket for a runaway train?,
like a madman laughin' at the rain,
a little out of touch little in the brain,
its just easier to deal with the pain
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin' back,
runaway train tearin' up the track,
runaway train burnin' in my veins,
run away but it always seems the same
Monday, October 6, 2008
Late nights
Here I am sitting at my computer listening to Sarah Mclachlan and working...well trying to work. I have such a weird schedule. Brutal actually. I work from 10:00 p.m. to 2 a.m. on the computer, then I have to take my oldest son into work. He has to be there by 3 or so. I get home about 3:30 and then back out the door at 6:15 to pick him up again.
Don't ask me when I sleep. I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.
What I am doing right now...
Drinking Earl Grey tea and lemon water and working.
Listening to...
Ice by Sarah Mclachlan
Wearing...
Grey slacks and a dark green t-shirt. Oh and hand-knitted slipper socks.
Wishing...
My friend was here to keep me company. But all the sane people are asleep.
Don't ask me when I sleep. I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.
What I am doing right now...
Drinking Earl Grey tea and lemon water and working.
Listening to...
Ice by Sarah Mclachlan
Wearing...
Grey slacks and a dark green t-shirt. Oh and hand-knitted slipper socks.
Wishing...
My friend was here to keep me company. But all the sane people are asleep.
Life
It is funny how life has so many twists and turns, forked roads...which one do you take? Do you take the road less travelled? or the one many have been down before? Do you blaze your own trail or take the well beaten path?
I think of every day as a new adventure...which path to choose; which decision to make. I think if I didn't have children I'd be a bit more daring, but ultimately decisions I make affect them too. So to choose a course, I try to choose wisely. Doesn't mean it will always come out the way I want it to, but again that is Life's journey
I think of every day as a new adventure...which path to choose; which decision to make. I think if I didn't have children I'd be a bit more daring, but ultimately decisions I make affect them too. So to choose a course, I try to choose wisely. Doesn't mean it will always come out the way I want it to, but again that is Life's journey
Friday, October 3, 2008
Me
Someone once told me that they would like to know more about me. How frightening!
Surface stuff:
I am ageless...I really do believe that age is only relative to how one thinks and feels.
I have three boys.
I have three dogs and a cat.
I love martial arts.
I collect knives and swords although my favourite weapon is my bo staff.
My favourite move was JAWS when I was seven (my tastes hasn't gotten any better).
I love to write.
My favourite foods are Japanese and Italian. Favourite drink is Iced tea. Favourite alcoholic drink is Scotch-neat.
I need music constantly in my daily life.
I have a tested IQ of genius level although I really hate it. I try to get away with acting insane than smart.
Oh...and I am really morbid and the darker the humour the better.
Things one can't see:
I'm an empath.
I am afraid to slow down.
My brain is working overtime even when I sleep.
I nearly died once and did die another time. And there was no light at the end of the tunnel and no out of body experience.
I am damaged.
I have a damaged heart.
I beat cancer.
I am cynical, but hide it very well.
Life story...I really don't have one. Not one worth hearing anyway. Did not have a great childhood. Did not have it easy afterwards either, but then I am not alone.
I can say I was a weird child. People's emotions were more like very loud voices. I think that is why I like music so much. It drowns out people. Music has its own emotions that tend to block out people. I get tired of trying to build walls, it takes too much energy. I didn't know this as a child. Things were overwhelming and I acted accordingly which was not always the best.
About dying...because I know I am going to get emails over this.
Bad reaction to a prescription drug and it went to the extreme. I was clinically dead for about 5 minutes. It happened when I was 22. It has really changed my perspective on things. My first child was only three years old. It made me think what was important to me. I want my children to remember me as the mom who was not too busy. I don't want them to look back and think I wish...
So my house may be a little cluttered because I cut corners to be outside with them playing and learning. Yeah...gotta work on that. I know there is balance right? But the extreme would me always cleaning the house because I have a three year old that we have fondly nicknamed F-5.
I may not always be on time because I got caught up on trying to catch grasshoppers with the boys or we are playing games together.
I may not always answer the phone if we are getting involved in a real good video game or watching anime.
I am comfortable with myself. I actually like the way I am.
Surface stuff:
I am ageless...I really do believe that age is only relative to how one thinks and feels.
I have three boys.
I have three dogs and a cat.
I love martial arts.
I collect knives and swords although my favourite weapon is my bo staff.
My favourite move was JAWS when I was seven (my tastes hasn't gotten any better).
I love to write.
My favourite foods are Japanese and Italian. Favourite drink is Iced tea. Favourite alcoholic drink is Scotch-neat.
I need music constantly in my daily life.
I have a tested IQ of genius level although I really hate it. I try to get away with acting insane than smart.
Oh...and I am really morbid and the darker the humour the better.
Things one can't see:
I'm an empath.
I am afraid to slow down.
My brain is working overtime even when I sleep.
I nearly died once and did die another time. And there was no light at the end of the tunnel and no out of body experience.
I am damaged.
I have a damaged heart.
I beat cancer.
I am cynical, but hide it very well.
Life story...I really don't have one. Not one worth hearing anyway. Did not have a great childhood. Did not have it easy afterwards either, but then I am not alone.
I can say I was a weird child. People's emotions were more like very loud voices. I think that is why I like music so much. It drowns out people. Music has its own emotions that tend to block out people. I get tired of trying to build walls, it takes too much energy. I didn't know this as a child. Things were overwhelming and I acted accordingly which was not always the best.
About dying...because I know I am going to get emails over this.
Bad reaction to a prescription drug and it went to the extreme. I was clinically dead for about 5 minutes. It happened when I was 22. It has really changed my perspective on things. My first child was only three years old. It made me think what was important to me. I want my children to remember me as the mom who was not too busy. I don't want them to look back and think I wish...
So my house may be a little cluttered because I cut corners to be outside with them playing and learning. Yeah...gotta work on that. I know there is balance right? But the extreme would me always cleaning the house because I have a three year old that we have fondly nicknamed F-5.
I may not always be on time because I got caught up on trying to catch grasshoppers with the boys or we are playing games together.
I may not always answer the phone if we are getting involved in a real good video game or watching anime.
I am comfortable with myself. I actually like the way I am.
End of the Day
What do you do at the end of the day? How do you unwind? Is it just a matter of turning off the mind?
I let my mind wander around a bit...luckily it has come back from time to time. Well, I guess that is a matter of opinion at times.
Here I am sitting at this computer, listening to Evanescence and B'z, and drinking a glass of wine. Still can't turn the brain off.
So I sit. Thinking of mindless things like writing poetry and short stories when I should be working. Shhh...no one knows that I am not.
I let my mind wander around a bit...luckily it has come back from time to time. Well, I guess that is a matter of opinion at times.
Here I am sitting at this computer, listening to Evanescence and B'z, and drinking a glass of wine. Still can't turn the brain off.
So I sit. Thinking of mindless things like writing poetry and short stories when I should be working. Shhh...no one knows that I am not.
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