Tonight

Tonight is rough. I've been sitting here thinking, remembering that at 10:56 pm I got a phone call one week ago. Less than 40 minutes after that I was hearing the news that my mother was dead.
This week has been bittersweet. I was able to spend time with my brother whom I haven't seen in quite some time. We promised each other that we would not let a large amount of time go by without seeing each other again.
His family and mine were able to get to know one another more. But it shouldn't have been under these circumstances.

I know that time heals all wounds, but when its fresh it really hurts. I know the pain will lessen over time.

I AM REALLY THANKFUL for my friends that have been here for me even if they couldn't be here in person.
I received a call from Scotland yesterday morning. I have a pen pal that I have been conversing with for almost a year. It was wonderful to hear his voice. I love his accent. I am thankful that he is my friend.

I am thankful for my friend in California who stayed up late several nights to make me laugh and take my mind off of things even if for a little while.

I am thankful for my friends here who have been helpful in bringing meals and calling to remind me of things that needed to get done or a call just to say hello. My brain really did leave me. I couldn't remember anything, things are still a bit fuzzy.

I am thankful for my mother's friends who so lovingly put together a collage of pictures for the service, made the programs, put together the reception afterwards. Making all the plans so I wouldn't have to.

I am thankful for one of my mom's friend and her husband who helped me with the mortuary and the cremation plans. Without them, it would not have been possible. They really have my love and thanks.

I always wanted to get a plant or two for my house. I usually kill things. Don't know why. I can have a wonderful garden, grow lots of herbs, but flowers and houseplants escape me. Now my house if filled with flowers and plants. My mom has grown two citrus plants from seed and I am so afraid of killing them. She also has various other plants, my livingroom is starting to look like a forest.
Oh and she has this tomato plant, except its not a plant. Its a tree. This thing is huge. I cannot figure out how she got it to grow so big in her tiny little apartment. Friends of hers said that it wouldn't grow tomatoes at first because she couldn't get it pollenated. So she took the screen off of her window and propped the plant so part of it was hanging outside. She lived on the second floor of her apt. building. Well, it ended up having the most delicious cherry tomatoes.

One week ago today at this time I was looking down at my mom as she lay in the hospital. My kids and I said goodbye to her as I gently pushed the hair off of her forehead and I stroked her hand.

I know it will get easier. It just takes time. I am not a patient person.