5 minutes

I was sitting at my table Sunday night, getting ready to go upstairs to bed when the phone rings. It is 11 p.m. I'm thinking, who in the world is calling me. So I answer it. A voice tells me that my mother was in a serious car accident and I need to come to Swedish Hospital right away. I get directions and ask how serious is it? They tell me its very serious. I get the kids dressed and we are out the door. I get to the hospital and they usher me and my boys into a conference room...dim light goes on in the brain.
They bring in the doctor and head nurse...another dim light goes on. I keep hoping against hope that maybe she was just fine.
They go into their usual speel. She was brought in, we did surgery, we did all we could...but unfortunately...there was too much damage...she died. Five freaking minutes before we got there.
I'm numb. I know the whole thing, they didn't have to explain it to me. I ask to see her. Of course they say. Have to warn you though...I don't want the boys to see her just yet. I wanted to see the damage first. I've seen pedestrian vs auto before. Its never a pretty sight. I will never forget the sight of my mother lying there.
She's kind of a tiny woman, typical Japanese lady. She was so full of energy. She played with my boys when they were over...basketball, tennis, ran around the park...etc. She never sat still, always moving.
And here she was, battered and bruised. Swollen from the fluids. Still.
Just 5 minutes too late.

I cannot describe the pain. I cannot describe how I've been handling this. Everyone says I'm doing good. If they only knew. I keep saying I'm fine while I sleep. People keep offering me sleeping pills. I sleep just fine. Its when I wake up thats the problem. I keep trying to get through the day. I keep trying to make it.
I'm forgetting things. I can't remember who says what and what I have to do. I feel as though I am shutting down, but I can't. So I try to keep going.
Things don't make sense. I can't cry, I'd never stop. I can't grieve, it would be encompassing and there would be no one to pull me out.
I don't want to be around her friends because in a group, their grief is overwhelming and I can't handle theirs and mine at the same time. So I have to block it out. It makes me tired, I get really bad headaches. I have two more major things to do. Go to the police dept. and pick up her belongings and a copy of the police report. And make it through Saturday which is her memorial service. The place seats a little over 200 and they are afraid that it will not be enough. My mom was quite popular even if she says she doesn't have that many friends.
Then I have to take care of the small details and such.

I am tired. I hurt. I keep thinking things that I shouldn't.

I need to work to keep busy.

If only...the two saddest words in life.
If only I had:
talked to her more often
visited her more often
called her more often
sent her cards more often
been there for her
I had told her I loved her more often

If only I had not been 5 minutes too late.