5 minutes

I was sitting at my table Sunday night, getting ready to go upstairs to bed when the phone rings. It is 11 p.m. I'm thinking, who in the world is calling me. So I answer it. A voice tells me that my mother was in a serious car accident and I need to come to Swedish Hospital right away. I get directions and ask how serious is it? They tell me its very serious. I get the kids dressed and we are out the door. I get to the hospital and they usher me and my boys into a conference room...dim light goes on in the brain.
They bring in the doctor and head nurse...another dim light goes on. I keep hoping against hope that maybe she was just fine.
They go into their usual speel. She was brought in, we did surgery, we did all we could...but unfortunately...there was too much damage...she died. Five freaking minutes before we got there.
I'm numb. I know the whole thing, they didn't have to explain it to me. I ask to see her. Of course they say. Have to warn you though...I don't want the boys to see her just yet. I wanted to see the damage first. I've seen pedestrian vs auto before. Its never a pretty sight. I will never forget the sight of my mother lying there.
She's kind of a tiny woman, typical Japanese lady. She was so full of energy. She played with my boys when they were over...basketball, tennis, ran around the park...etc. She never sat still, always moving.
And here she was, battered and bruised. Swollen from the fluids. Still.
Just 5 minutes too late.

I cannot describe the pain. I cannot describe how I've been handling this. Everyone says I'm doing good. If they only knew. I keep saying I'm fine while I sleep. People keep offering me sleeping pills. I sleep just fine. Its when I wake up thats the problem. I keep trying to get through the day. I keep trying to make it.
I'm forgetting things. I can't remember who says what and what I have to do. I feel as though I am shutting down, but I can't. So I try to keep going.
Things don't make sense. I can't cry, I'd never stop. I can't grieve, it would be encompassing and there would be no one to pull me out.
I don't want to be around her friends because in a group, their grief is overwhelming and I can't handle theirs and mine at the same time. So I have to block it out. It makes me tired, I get really bad headaches. I have two more major things to do. Go to the police dept. and pick up her belongings and a copy of the police report. And make it through Saturday which is her memorial service. The place seats a little over 200 and they are afraid that it will not be enough. My mom was quite popular even if she says she doesn't have that many friends.
Then I have to take care of the small details and such.

I am tired. I hurt. I keep thinking things that I shouldn't.

I need to work to keep busy.

If only...the two saddest words in life.
If only I had:
talked to her more often
visited her more often
called her more often
sent her cards more often
been there for her
I had told her I loved her more often

If only I had not been 5 minutes too late.

These days

Call you up in the middle of the night,
like a fire flower miles away,
you were there like a blow torch burnin',
I was a key that could use a little turnin'
So tired that I couldn't even sleep,
so many secrets I couldn't keep,
promised myself I wouldn't weep,
one more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep theres no way out,
this time I have really let myself pull stray
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile,
make it somehow seem all worth while,
how on earth did I get so jaded,
last mystery seemed so naked
I can go where no one else can go,
I know what no one else has known,
here I am just a drowning in the brain,
with a ticket for a runaway train
Everything seems judded inside,
day and night earth and sky,
somehow I just don't believe it
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Want a ticket for a runaway train?,
like a madman laughin' at the rain,
a little out of touch little in the brain,
its just easier to deal with the pain
Runaway train never goin' back,
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere,
somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin' back,
runaway train tearin' up the track,
runaway train burnin' in my veins,
run away but it always seems the same

Late nights

Here I am sitting at my computer listening to Sarah Mclachlan and working...well trying to work. I have such a weird schedule. Brutal actually. I work from 10:00 p.m. to 2 a.m. on the computer, then I have to take my oldest son into work. He has to be there by 3 or so. I get home about 3:30 and then back out the door at 6:15 to pick him up again.
Don't ask me when I sleep. I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.

What I am doing right now...
Drinking Earl Grey tea and lemon water and working.

Listening to...
Ice by Sarah Mclachlan

Wearing...
Grey slacks and a dark green t-shirt. Oh and hand-knitted slipper socks.

Wishing...
My friend was here to keep me company. But all the sane people are asleep.

Life

It is funny how life has so many twists and turns, forked roads...which one do you take? Do you take the road less travelled? or the one many have been down before? Do you blaze your own trail or take the well beaten path?
I think of every day as a new adventure...which path to choose; which decision to make. I think if I didn't have children I'd be a bit more daring, but ultimately decisions I make affect them too. So to choose a course, I try to choose wisely. Doesn't mean it will always come out the way I want it to, but again that is Life's journey

Me

Someone once told me that they would like to know more about me. How frightening!
Surface stuff:
I am ageless...I really do believe that age is only relative to how one thinks and feels.
I have three boys.
I have three dogs and a cat.
I love martial arts.
I collect knives and swords although my favourite weapon is my bo staff.
My favourite move was JAWS when I was seven (my tastes hasn't gotten any better).
I love to write.
My favourite foods are Japanese and Italian. Favourite drink is Iced tea. Favourite alcoholic drink is Scotch-neat.
I need music constantly in my daily life.
I have a tested IQ of genius level although I really hate it. I try to get away with acting insane than smart.
Oh...and I am really morbid and the darker the humour the better.

Things one can't see:
I'm an empath.
I am afraid to slow down.
My brain is working overtime even when I sleep.
I nearly died once and did die another time. And there was no light at the end of the tunnel and no out of body experience.
I am damaged.
I have a damaged heart.
I beat cancer.
I am cynical, but hide it very well.


Life story...I really don't have one. Not one worth hearing anyway. Did not have a great childhood. Did not have it easy afterwards either, but then I am not alone.
I can say I was a weird child. People's emotions were more like very loud voices. I think that is why I like music so much. It drowns out people. Music has its own emotions that tend to block out people. I get tired of trying to build walls, it takes too much energy. I didn't know this as a child. Things were overwhelming and I acted accordingly which was not always the best.

About dying...because I know I am going to get emails over this.
Bad reaction to a prescription drug and it went to the extreme. I was clinically dead for about 5 minutes. It happened when I was 22. It has really changed my perspective on things. My first child was only three years old. It made me think what was important to me. I want my children to remember me as the mom who was not too busy. I don't want them to look back and think I wish...
So my house may be a little cluttered because I cut corners to be outside with them playing and learning. Yeah...gotta work on that. I know there is balance right? But the extreme would me always cleaning the house because I have a three year old that we have fondly nicknamed F-5.
I may not always be on time because I got caught up on trying to catch grasshoppers with the boys or we are playing games together.
I may not always answer the phone if we are getting involved in a real good video game or watching anime.

I am comfortable with myself. I actually like the way I am.

End of the Day

What do you do at the end of the day? How do you unwind? Is it just a matter of turning off the mind?

I let my mind wander around a bit...luckily it has come back from time to time. Well, I guess that is a matter of opinion at times.
Here I am sitting at this computer, listening to Evanescence and B'z, and drinking a glass of wine. Still can't turn the brain off.
So I sit. Thinking of mindless things like writing poetry and short stories when I should be working. Shhh...no one knows that I am not.

Delicious body scrub

I love using body scrubs instead of soap or body wash since they tend to dry out the skin. Where I live, that is the last thing you want to do.

Sugar and Spice scrub:
1 cup sugar (I especially like using brown sugar)
2 tsp cinnamon
2tsp nutmeg
1 tsp Vanilla extract
2 cups oil (Grapeseed, Almond oil, etc.)

Mix together in a bowl then put in an airtight container.